Here's another "Dear Abby" gem I found in the newspaper yesterday:
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I generally agree on most major issues. We agree to disagree on the minor ones. But there is one issue I think is major and he thinks is minor -- strip clubs. He sees nothing wrong with having women give him lap dances. He compares it to seeing a movie -- it's "entertainment."
Abby, I'm not a prude. I wouldn't care if he went to a strip club for a bachelor party, and I don't object about his extensive porn collection. But it makes me feel he isn't getting what he needs from me when he goes to a strip club by himself. I expect my husband to understand and respect my feelings. Is that too much to ask, or am I being unreasonable? -- THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT? IN SALT LAKE CITY
Abby responded about how this woman needs to talk to her hubby about her feelings. If he still wants to go to a strip club, then Abby suggests the wife join him. I so completely disagree and am just amazed at these women's, both Abby's and the writer's, stupidity. This is what I would have written if I were Abby, but she's not smart and moral enough to be me.
Dear That's Entertainment,
Sorry sweetheart, but you already stepped in this one. You never should have allowed your husband to have his "extensive" porn collection. Most women have a problem with their man looking at porn and see it as a threat. I cannot believe you don't see his looking at porn as trying to fulfill something he isn't getting from you. How could you not? If he was happy with you he would not be looking at porn. By allowing him to have his dirty magazine library, you've opened the door to a world of hurt. Now it's not enough to just look at the porn, he wants it in real life. Sure, it'll start with just a trip to the strip club or a lap dance, but it'll lead further down the road to him acting on his fantasies and having an affair. You cannot open that door to infidelity, even a crack, without the flood eventually bursting through.
Here's what you need to do. You need to realize your mistake in allowing his porn collection. You need to realize there is a connection to his looking at porn and his level of satisfaction with your sex life. How could you be so blind? And then you need to have a talk with him. Ask him why he "needs" his porn and why he now wants to go to a strip club. Tell him how this hurts you and your self esteem. Talk about your sex life and what you both can do to make it better so that your hubby won't be looking somewhere else for fun. And then bag up and toss out all that porn. Don't allow infidelity to creep into thoughts, which is what porn does. If he loves you and truly cares about your relationship, he will get rid of it.
This is going to be a long hard process to break the habit, but one that will be well worth it. And honey, you kind of brought this on yourself by allowing such trash to be in your home. Time to kick it to the curb!--- Sue
2 comments:
I totally agree with most of your answer, but I am concerned about the implication (maybe unintended) that the husband is using porn because he isn't getting what he needs from his wife.
Generally the order is reversed--that his sex life with his wife is suffering BECAUSE of the porn problem.
A porn addict will frequently insist that his wife act like a slut and do things that he sees in his dirty movies. He also will get unrealistic expectations of her from viewing articifially enhanced, air brushed models and actresses which will make his wife's "real" body inevitably fall short. She, also, will tend to pull away as she feels rejected by him. When he heads off to his strip club or computer screen for "a little fun" on his own, it is a total slap in the face to her desirability. This isn't to say that a cold-fish wife isn't going to drive her husband to find satisfaction elsewhere. It's just that we need to be careful not to blame the real victim here, as most of the time, his porn/behavior problem is not her fault. He just wants her to think that it is in order to justify his own behavior.
I completely agree. It isn't her fault he is looking at porn, but it is her fault for allowing that attitude to live in her marriage. She seems to have had no problem with it from her letter. She needs to communicate her feelings to him and he needs to shape up.
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