Becoming More Unified

It's so much easier to have a "zen" moment of realization when life is calm and much harder to put that new knowledge into use once things become chaotic again. A few weeks back my husband and I were talking about Elder Hales' talk on coveting. (Can you tell I liked it since I've mentioned it a few times?) Anyhow, we were talking about how that also applies to spousal roles.

Let me explain. There are days, like today when my husband has been gone all day at work and now is off at Young Men's socializing with the youth while I am at home trying to get a sick baby to sleep while his siblings (namely sisters) keep coming out of their bedrooms after they have been put to bed, when I really and truly envy what my husband does. Now I know it isn't all sunshine and lollipops for him. He may not have children clamoring all over him to get snacks or tattle about some injustice, but he does have clients and firm partners who are looking at him to do his job correctly. And he does get the pleasure of dealing with crabby people. So do I, but I love, usually, the grump folks I work with. But there are those times that I think "what I wouldn't give to be you and get out of this house and away from the kids?!" Especially at those times when he gets to go to church and my day has been bad. "Lay it one me! I'll counsel whoever needs it. Just let me speak to an adult!"

Now my husband admits that there are times that he wishes he could be home too instead of out working. Like when I am sick and need rest and the kids are climbing up the walls. Or when we go to the park, swimming, Costco, or any other type of enjoyable activity. Sometimes he just wishes he could be home to spend quality time with us.

However, we realized in our discussion that this too is a form of coveting. We may not be pining after tangible items, but we are comparing our familial roles. It's normal to let it happen now and then, but on a regular basis it can lead to bitterness, selfishness, depression, divorce, etc. Just look at society around us. "I want to be a Mom, but I better get all the privileges of a man too or else watch out!" or "I'll be the Dad, but don't expect to bring home the bacon because that's too much to ask!" It's everywhere.

Here's the newsflash: LIFE IS UNFAIR. Get it? Let me say it again: LIFE IS UNFAIR! This means that there are those days when my husband is shut up in his nice office and gets to check email on a whim or go to lunch with the guys while I am dealing with puke and twenty meltdowns before breakfast is over. But there are also days when I take the kids swimming and out to lunch while my husband has clients yelling at him and partners asking him why he didn't the things they told him not to do. That's just life. And sometimes it stinks.

But comparing and coveting the privileges of each other's roles in the relationship will not help strengthen the marriage or family. It will create envy, strife, selfishness, etc. and all that jazz I mentioned above. Such coveting will create a rift that will eventually tear a couple and family apart. Satan wants to keep us distracted from reaching our divine potential as a couple and will attack us any way he can, even causing jealousy over the stupid little things. We need to be happy with what we have. So as a mom, I need to take joy in all the wonderful moments I get with my kids and get through the rough ones. As a dad, my husband can take pride in providing for his family and working hard and get over those not too pleasant moments. When we focus on the positive, the good of what each of us brings to the family, then we are strong, unified, and indestructible.

Now, as I said, this is still something I am learning. I wish tattoos were acceptable in the church because I would write something across my forehead to remind me of this. (Of course, there would be a lot of reminders I would get put on up there so I could be reminded every time I look in the mirror. I don't think I would have the pain tolerance nor does the ink supply exits for it.) But I am trying and I know the closer I stay to the Spirit, the better chance I will have at being happy with my role as a mother and more unified with my husband.