A No- Brainer About Marriage

Yesterday, while we were at the in-laws for dinner, my mother-in-law read to me something from the paper about a study showing it's good for your marriage to put your relationship first and kids second. D'uh. (Not to my mother-in-law, but the study). I could have told you that without doing a study. It just makes good common sense. One great piece of marriage advice given to us, by an actual counselor, was the principle of driving. Picture yourself and how your family is arranged when they are all together driving somewhere. The husband and wife are up front and then the kids are in the back. The same applies to marriage. The husband and wife should ALWAYS be at the top of the list of importance and then kids and other responsibilities follow. There will be times when the order of importance changes and the spouse has to step down, like when a new baby is born or a child is sick, but the order must always return to the husband and wife being top priority to each other. Otherwise, problems will arise.

I think this is great advice and I try to live by it. I believe that a strong family is built on a strong marriage. The foundation, the rock, is a stable marriage. If you don't have that in place, everything else will eventually fall apart. And how to get a strong marriage is to make time for each other. Now I know there are work and church responsibilities that will come up and need to be met ASAP. That is just life. But if those responsibilities always come first, before the spouse, then there will be problems. You need to find time every day, if possible, to spend with your spouse. Some days it may just be talking for a few minutes before falling asleep. But you have to check in with each other and make sure you're both doing okay. That way when problems arise in the marriage, they can be dealt with quickly and not left to fester. I see it like scripture study. I find time to read my scriptures every day because I know it is important and I feel a difference in my life if I don't. Sometimes I end up reading them in the bathroom because it's the only place I can escape from my children. But I do it every day. In the same light, I find time to talk to my husband every day to see how he is and what is going on in his life. Why? Because I know it is important and I feel a difference if we don't communicate daily. And we spend down-time together whenever we can, even if it's just watching a show. It's important to find that time.

As for kids, I think the greatest thing we can do for our children is show them a loving relationship between Mom and Dad. Our kids say "Gross!" when we kiss. Good. Let them know Mom and Dad are mushy. I want to be like my in-laws who declared "Let the second honeymoon begin!" when their youngest left for college. I don't want to have dedicated so much time to my children that once they leave home I no longer know my husband and feel unsure about what to do with him. I've heard women mention that happening to them when the kids leave. Not for me. We live in a society that makes us feel like we are failing if we don't have our children involved in a ton of activities and sports. If we're not a part of every minute of their lives. That's just not healthy and it doesn't create children that grow into independent adults. What good is driving you child around to a bazillion different activities if you never get to spend time together as a family or couple? I'm not against kids being involved in things, but I do think there needs to be a limit and a question about whether or not such activities are destroying family time. We can't tire ourselves out dedicating every waking minute to our children and then leave nothing for our spouses. It won't make a good marriage.

So I say "d'uh" to that article about how couple time is most important. Tell me something I don't know! Sometimes the world is so clueless. Put your marriage first and everything else will fall into place. Your kids will giggle about you still being amorous at 60, but will also be grateful and be better husbands and wives for it.